Connection
At the core of who we are as human beings, we desire connection. Sure, because we are all different, we also connect differently. Some of us look for quantity in our relationships, some of us look for quality, and some of us look for a balance of both. It doesn’t matter how you look at it; even the most solitary among us long for and curate the connections we make. But what has happened to our ability to connect over the past couple of years? We’ve endured what feels like a never-ending pandemic, and for months on end, we found ourselves trapped in our own homes with only video chats to sustain us. As we find our way back, in fits and starts, we have to figure out what to do with the connections created digitally and figure out how we get back to the physical aspect of being connected with others.
In some ways, the pandemic broke us. Social gatherings used to be our hubs for connection. We’d meet new people, nurture old friendships, and support each other with a hug, a smile, or a listening ear. The pandemic took that away. For some of us, we had to endure lockdown alone or alone with our children without another adult with whom to talk. Gone were the days of having friends over or meeting new friends for a drink. Bars closed. Restaurants resorted to take-out and delivery only. Some states even got creative and changed laws so that you could have your cocktails delivered. It just wasn’t the same. There is something ancient about how we connect in person. There is a certain intimacy with friends and even acquaintances who make up our social circles. We listen to the timbre of their voices; their visual cues of a smile or a relaxed posture entrance us. There are a thousand tiny stimuli we observe and process from those with whom we are connected. We were left with far fewer stimuli as we found ourselves trapped in our homes.
As humans, we are resourceful. This is, after all, a modern age, and we are surrounded by technology and a variety of platforms that are intended to connect us. Social media has grown by leaps and by bounds. It seeks to sort us and join us through similar interests and shared connections. Arguably, this isn’t always the best approach because we can find ourselves in an echo chamber and losing those subtle challenges to our thinking that intimate friendships provide.
Nonetheless, social media is what we had as we found ourselves trapped in our homes. We also had a tool long used by businesses that suddenly became ubiquitously mainstream — the video chat. Thanks to advances in our phones and the proliferation of cameras on laptops, we were suddenly able to find an alternative to a physical meeting. If we couldn’t go to those we cared about, we could connect with them digitally. Sessions that we attended with coffee and conversation were suddenly transformed to screens filled with tiny little squares, like a game show of faces we knew. We had our stopgap, but was it enough?
Social media offered us sustained connections with friends, but it also provided us with new groups that we could join and meet new people. After all, our lives are filled with people who drift in and out. Some stay if the connection is strong enough, while others become untethered and move in a different direction. Such is the normalcy of social behavior. But suddenly, we found ourselves struggling to maintain the relationships we had so grown accustomed to nurturing in person. Huge components of signals and stimuli we relied on were missing. We could no longer see the slight shifts in posture, the distracted look of a friend who was hurting, or even the smiles that could remind us of shared secrets. Maintaining connection by video has been challenging. We can’t always see the detail that we need to see, and when we’re on camera, we’re constantly making sure that we’re “on” and that we’re camera-ready. Authenticity is challenging.
Some of us are single and have been thinking about dating. The pandemic transformed that. Quickly getting a cup of coffee or grabbing a drink was off the table. We had to get creative and schedule video chats to get to know someone new. But inevitably, we could only get to see a version of someone. Too often, we got to see only the curated part of them and not the whole person. It’s far too easy on the video to the stage who you are and what you want to say. Another interesting aspect of it all was that everyone seemed to be widening their search parameters. Suddenly everyone was seeking connection nationwide. Why spend your time fishing in a small pond when the entire ocean was available to you via video feed. Some of these connections proved short-sighted because distance doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder.
Relationships, whether they be romantic or platonic, can be complicated to maintain over distance and over time. Technology has given us quite a bit of help in that department, but the physical barriers remain. When I was younger, I was an avid Internet Relay Chat (IRC) user. As I look back on it now, it was a crude, text-based system designed for connection. So much of who you were had to be reflected in your text. Tone, vocabulary, and even emoticons determined how others saw you. I made a couple of connections back then that I came to call friends. We were half a planet apart, but we have maintained our relationship over the years. It has been organic and has ebbed and flowed. We’ve seen each other marry, have children, and go through many careers, all while catching up when we can. Ultimately, the friendship is what it is, nothing more and nothing less. But have we raised our expectations for the connections we’ve made via video in these strange and unsettling times? As the world tries to open back up, domestic travel is available to us, but is it enough? We’d like to think that we could nurture a relationship meeting only a year at a time, but what happens with all the life in between? Life changes us with every moment lived, and if we don’t grow together, we grow apart.
Trying to leave this pandemic and the social isolation it has wrought can be much like trying to crawl out of a cave into the sun. Now that we know more about protecting ourselves from the virus and have vaccinations available to us, the physical connection is no longer as impossible as it once was. But how do we get back out there? How do we intentionally design our lives around meaningful and substantive connections? We can’t lose the connections we made over the video while we were locked in our homes, but we need to rekindle our ability to make those connections in person — otherwise, we stay stuck. As we crawl back into the sun, we must look around at those near us, no matter how slowly. It’s time to get back to the shared laugh over lunch. It’s time to bear our soul over coffee. It’s time to support each other with more than a video screen. It’s in that just right hug, the gentle hand on our shoulder, the kiss of a romantic partner, or even just the calming presence of another that we find a connection.
